They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
