dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize