I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
