I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
zippers are such a cool invention
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
