so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
