My liver just broke up with me...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
