arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
