there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
