If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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