i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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