4 words: hood of his car
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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