My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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