Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
