i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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