Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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