he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
