if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
