Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
