You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
