Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
