ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
