ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
