You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am one with the molecules
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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