They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
