Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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