highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
