Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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