I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My Sexting was not on an AP level
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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