I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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