I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
