Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
