I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
