I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
