You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize