someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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