you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
