I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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