Old men and throwing up are my life now.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
