I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
