then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
