I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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