With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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