I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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