My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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