His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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