the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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