i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
