Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
