Where did you get a picture of my penis
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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