hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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