I wish my penis had an off switch
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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