he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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