and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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