Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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