i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
