Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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