you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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