I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
