so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
