Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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