oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
