You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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