I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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